Message at Durham Friends Meeting, April 22, 2018<\/p>\n
Today\u00a0is Earth Day.\u00a0\u00a0The synchronicity of that being the day I give the message was an unexpected fluke.\u00a0\u00a0I was to have given the message last week but things shifted to meet other needs, and I was flexible.\u00a0\u00a0So, here we are…<\/p>\n
I live with major depression, and it cycles, but only below the midline. I do not go into the mania.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Usually, I cycle right around the midline.\u00a0\u00a0That is not too bad.\u00a0\u00a0I can live there and manage in the world, doing the things that need doing, enjoying the world around me.<\/p>\n
This winter it has been very bad, the worst in many years.<\/p>\n
I have had a hard time feeling my usual connection with the Spirit, the God of my understanding.\u00a0\u00a0In that regard, I\u2019ve bumbled along \u201cacting as if\u201d, as they say in 12 Step programs, acting as though I still felt the connection with my Higher Power: saying prayers as best I could. Prayers asking for help for myself and others. Prayers of thanks were harder.\u00a0\u00a0Sometimes prayer became short indeed, something along the lines of, \u201cI\u2019m still here.\u00a0\u00a0It\u2019s awful in this skin.\u00a0\u00a0Please don\u2019t forget me.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Or even, \u201cG\u2019morning Goddess.\u00a0\u00a0Help!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0But I always tried for more.<\/p>\n
When I am this depressed I do not manage to keep commitments – to myself or others.\u00a0\u00a0My self-care suffers, often feeling insurmountable to me: keeping my world running smoothly, or running at all, even doing the basic daily care people take for granted seems beyond my reach.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I don\u2019t make it to Meeting, or anywhere else, or if I get out, I don\u2019t interact with Friends, with people all that well.\u00a0\u00a0Being with people is sometimes too much.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Yet, in these worst times, I sometimes rise above to have moments of laughter and good interactions but those moments do not mean all is lightness and joy in my world.\u00a0\u00a0Everything seems to be going along just fine, until…\u00a0it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n
In March, for the first time in over twenty years, I went back on antidepressants.\u00a0\u00a0They have been added to the medications I take for the cycling.<\/p>\n
The saving Grace of the winter was unexpected and came in small instants offering blessings of Love every time I drove my car.\u00a0\u00a0What a strange place for the darkness to lift, but there it was.<\/p>\n
The Light this brought into my life carried me through this darkest of winters.\u00a0\u00a0As I drove I noticed Nature in all Her glory.\u00a0\u00a0The small field of hills behind the tree farm.\u00a0\u00a0The trees nestled up next to the road hugging me tightly.\u00a0\u00a0The stream that roared over the small dam as I passed.\u00a0\u00a0The smaller and smaller lines of the tree branches against the sky.\u00a0\u00a0The mist and fog slowly moving between the trees, around the houses, over the hills.\u00a0\u00a0The rays of light flashing from the diamonds stuck on all the trees, the roof lines, on the stone walls, the power lines, and street signs.\u00a0\u00a0All standing quietly available for my glance. Fortunately, I was able to see.\u00a0\u00a0My eyes, my soul soaked in the beauty, the wonder.\u00a0\u00a0It carried me through the darkness of each day.<\/p>\n
Most important, I was able to be thankful for living in this world of beauty.\u00a0\u00a0I couldn\u2019t say prayers in the forms I was used to.\u00a0I could not say thank you for the life I had been given.\u00a0\u00a0But I could say, \u201cThank you for this world\u201d.<\/p>\n
Happy Earth Day, Friends.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Message at Durham Friends Meeting, April 22, 2018 Today\u00a0is Earth Day.\u00a0\u00a0The synchronicity of that being the day I give the message was an unexpected fluke.\u00a0\u00a0I was to have given the message last week but things shifted to meet other needs, … Continue reading