Message given at Durham Friends Meeting, February 17, 2019<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n
I woke up with a set of expectations this morning. I knew I would rise before the sun, do some gentle yoga, eat breakfast, drive here and spend the morning with all of you. I knew I would be nervous but grateful to share this message. And I knew that, there is always more that I don\u2019t know than I really do know. That\u2019s a little unnerving \u2013 but it\u2019s also exciting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This morning, I trusted that in my not-knowing, I would be\nmet by your open hearts and open minds… After all, you didn\u2019t know what to\nexpect from me either. When people come together in mutual unknowing, as we\nhave this morning, our limits dissolve and a new space emerges, a grace-filled space\nwhere Love has room to work amongst us. In this space, speaking meets\nlistening, giving meets receiving, and past and future dwell fully in the\npresent…I would like to illustrate this idea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
About six years ago, my Dad retired. His already quiet and reclusive life seemed to become increasingly isolated. He stopped visiting family members and meeting friends for golf or lunch. He began to lose weight and became nervous and tentative. He said he was happy, but he didn\u2019t look or act like he was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When Dad invited me to attend a routine exam that required\nanesthesia and a driver, I had a chance to step in a bit.Dad was so grateful for the practical support I offered on that\nvisit that I began visiting for one extended weekend per month. Together we\nsorted mail that had accumulated, paid bills, did laundry, went grocery\nshopping, and attended appointments. We also made time for long walks, healthy\nmeals, and plenty of laughter and conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On one visit, I arrived late due to a rainstorm and Friday\nnight traffic. I had called dad a few times to give him updates and offer a\nrevised ETA. When I arrived, Dad was peering through the window by the door. He\ngruffly asked what took me so long. Exhausted from the drive and unprepared for\nthis icy reception, I snapped back \u2013 something about traffic and calling a half-dozen\ntimes \u2013 and then caught myself. He had probably been waiting for some unknown\nvisitor for my entire 5 hour drive. No longer able to track time, he could not\npossibly interpret the meaning in my phone calls. Maybe he also could not\nconnect my voice with my face or my presence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dad had begun to live in the unknown all of the time.\nDementia was robbing him of capacity to understand, sort and organize\nexperiences, people, objects and events. For him, every moment was a step into\nan unknown. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
After hitting dead\u2014ends trying to get information and\nsupport from my Dad\u2019s doctor, I scoured the internet and the library shelves for\nhelp. I wanted a definitive medical authority or a rule book, the equivalent of\na map and compass that would tell me where on earth we were and where we were\nheading\u2026And while I did find some resources that offered clues and perspective,\nI never found an outside authority that I could really settle into. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But, I found my Dad \u2013 obscured by his illness but patiently\nand persistently kind, loving and intelligent. And I found myself. Even better,\nI found that I was enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While I had been looking to the world around us for\nguidance, I was also just spending a lot of time with Dad. As we navigated\nchallenging, curious, and mundane details of life together, our relationship\nwas deepening. I was learning to dwell with him in the unknown \u2013 and in the\nsacred space that formed between us, there was safety, love, trust, and joy\nsufficient to carry us both along the challenging path that unfolded over the\nnext few years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As Dad became less verbal, we often walked together in silent\ncommunion. If Dad felt like making conversation, he would ask, \u201cSo, what have\nyou been up to?\u201d After I answered, we would often fall into silence again. Within\na few minutes he would ask again, \u201cSo, what have you been up to?\u201d He never\nremembered asking and remained as genuinely curious and interested on the 5th<\/sup>\nasking as he was on the first. Each asking became an opportunity for me to\nshare a bit more deeply about my life. Though he didn\u2019t remember my responses\nafter a few seconds, he listened to each one with real interest and attention.\nI offered new responses each time he asked. \u201cSo, What have you been up to?\u201c It was like an invitation to peel away the layers\nof my life like an onion, sharing myself ever more deeply, while pulling Dad in\ncloser.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As special as my relationship with my Dad was, it does not\nneed to be unique. We don\u2019t need to wait until dementia or any other life change\nnudges us into deep, loving relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Humans are social creatures. We are meant to step in close,\nto walk through the peaks, valleys, and meadows of our life with others.<\/strong> We can practice a more intentional\nengagement with everyone we are in contact with \u2013 it\u2019s as simple as a smile, an\nopen hand, a moment of vulnerability, or an act of generosity. We will suddenly\nnotice that there are fewer strangers around us and more friends. And we notice\nthat the lines that separated us get a little blurry. The distance between us grows\nsmaller and less significant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we honor the unknowing between us with open hearts and\nopen minds, we create that nurturing grace-filled space where Love flows\nfreely, speaking meets listening, giving meets receiving, and past and future\nmeet the limitless present. We meet there in worship. Let us meet the wider\nworld there in our words and our actions too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Message given at Durham Friends Meeting, February 17, 2019 I woke up with a set of expectations this morning. I knew I would rise before the sun, do some gentle yoga, eat breakfast, drive here and spend the morning with … Continue reading