Message given at Durham Friends Meeting, September 21, 2025. That same day, Shelley Randfall was welcomed into membership at Durham Friends Meeting.
Today, September 21, 2025 and tomorrow September 22, carry a few designations for the world at large and for me personally.
First of all – today has been deemed International Day of Peace by the United Nations. I don’t know where and how that came about but considering the current circumstances the designation seems almost laughable if not for the fact that the state of our world and its beings are in such desperate straits: on-going genocide, starvation, cruel injustice. It is all so very, very sad – almost too much to bear.
And tomorrow is the autumn equinox – a fleeting time of equal light and dark. We blink an eye and the balance, the equilibrium is gone – replaced by fading light into darkness. That’s what it feels like to me now in the external world as I am bombarded by ever more bad news for our country, other countries and peoples and ourselves as individuals, buffeted about, lost in the chaos of it all.
What I once knew is now uncertain and much of what I took for granted, in fact, is lost. In law school we studied and discussed “due Process rights and the constitutional right of free speech”. Now I wonder what is being taught since both seem to be a thing of the past. Race based detainment has been upheld by the Supreme Court, at least temporarily. ? What has become of the apparent guardrails in our democratic system I wail?!
My body, a source of strength and comfort has begun signaling I have lost track of equilibrium as I experience a constant dull achiness and outright sharp pain.
But I know there is good news here – if I begin with me and my body. And the ancient systems I return to when all seems to be lost.
In the 5 Elements theory in Traditional Chinese Medicine each season corresponds to earth elements, body organs and functions, emotions, foods, colors, sounds and more. The premise is the interconnectedness of all.
The Fall time corresponds to the element of metal, once used to forge tools to cut and slice away. Hatchets, swords, knives. These metal tools can be seen as a metaphor to cut away from my life that which no longer serves my best interests. Relationships, habits, foods, etc. When the cutting away occurs, we naturally feel a sense of loss and sadness, these emotions correspond to the Autumn and metal season. I like to think about the maple trees letting go of their leaves as they prepare for winter time, the most yin, quiet time of the year. The trees cannot sustain their leaves as their energy and nourishment fades. So they let go and say good-bye, at least temporarily. And we mourn our losses of what once was. The long warm summer days that allowed us to spend hours outside. And we mourn the losses, even those habits that we give up because we must. I taught Qi Gong at a 28 day residential program for addiction treatment and I used to talk about mourning the loss of our relationship to our addictions. Though in our best interest to let go of this relationship there must be a period of mourning and reflection around how they served us and why we need to say good bye. And what will take its place. And what can we develop to fill that place where drugs and alcohol once resided?
The saying good-bye part, the mourning and reflection is always the most painful. We have to look at how we got to that point squarely in the eye, being brave, feeling the agitation, sadness, the rage and the fear.
And I come face to face with my Self when I go through this process. This time around, my body was screaming at me, and I needed a professional to tell me – this pain is an issue of lack of mobility. And I was mad. At me, at my body. Why can’t I just relax now that I’m older, why can’t my body do what I want it to do without the extra time and effort to stretch and build strength. How did I forget that this practice needs to be part of my life?
And most importantly, Who am I now that I am older? What can I do and not do as a result? What are my limitations? And Who do I want to be going forward.
I am also cognizant that I am a person that feels deeply and the state of our country and the world affects me as it affects all of us deeply. How do we manage the sharp and overwhelming emotions that arise daily as we are bombarded with what seems to be more and more bad news, as we perceive that our country and our world as we know it is falling apart and what is our role now.
I come back to the premise of mourning. I know now that I must cry everyday in order to expel the grief that I experience every day, as I let go of what I thought were givens about how our government was supposed to operate and conduct itself. I can no longer hold onto the premises that I grew up with, that were instilled in me as a child. This is what is so shocking and so disturbing, along with what we know could happen if the guardrails in a democracy are completely destroyed. This potential is terrifying.
In the book Our Life is Love, The Quaker Spiritual Journey written by Marcelle Martin, she writes about Bill Tabor, “ a longtime teacher of Quakerism at Pendle Hill” and the pamphlet he wrote called Four Doors to Meeting for Worship. In it he recommends taking a period of “daily retirement” from the outward activity and business of one’s life. During such a period, Friends can contemplate a passage of the Bible, rest silently “in the eternal arms”, meditate, appreciate beauty, or pray for themselves and others.” (pgs. 147-148, Our Life is Love).
It is carving out time for this that creates the struggle in me. Is this enough for me to do? Shouldn’t I be doing more? The country is exploding in violence and I need to contemplate beauty? I ask myself. And then my body slaps me upside the head with that pain reminding me that I must take care of myself, first and foremost. I must give myself the time to mourn the devastating losses I am witness to. I must be in right relation with God. Only then can I be of service.
And this is a huge letting go for me. I was once a warrior, armored up, not needing anything but conviction and a facility with language to defend the violated and the oppressed.
But I am no longer that person. I have morphed, evolved into something else, something softer and more approachable. A body now with a heart that is open and strong and willing and filled with God’s love. A whole being that cares deeply. About myself as God’s child and about God’s other children and Mother earth and all her beings. And how can I maintain my equilibrium in order to be of service to this world that seems to be exploding around me. How can I utilize my skills and keep myself safe.
In Our Life is Love, Marcelle Martin writes about our Quaker forebears that sacrificed their lives for us to worship as Quakers. I applaud their heroics and am grateful that they led the way for me to stand in front of you today. And each of their stories demonstrate a knowing that God was with them up until the end and they were calm.
So as I let go of the warrior I once was and fill that space with quietude to connect with God’s beauty. I can fill my heart with God’s loving strength and know that I am led and will always be led to where I am most needed. And I know also, that because I am filled with God’s strength and courage if I am called to do more than what I am doing now, I will show up. But in the meantime I must respect what God has put in front of me to do and continue my daily practices of respite.
This knowing and trusting that God will show me the way when I remember, alleviates the fear and the anxiety when my ego screams at me that I am not doing enough. This knowing and trusting comes from the “daily retirement” that Bill Tabor speaks of that provides me with strength to move forward just as I am.
So I let go of the hard wiring for action that has so defined me. And I mourn this loss and mourn the losses and suffering currently being experienced by so many humans, animals and ecosystems on the planet and I wait for the way to be opened.
And I’m painfully aware that a “daily retirement” is a luxury provided to me. I am not starving to death, or in the midst of a civil war or getting bombed out of my home and country. And again, what do I make of this? What is my responsibility in this midst. How can I contribute to Peace nationally and internationally on this International Peace day.
I try to return to my body and my heart. Am I at peace with myself? If not, how can I get there? Usually I need to recognize a resentment about someone or something, or a fear about something or someone – neither of the someones or situations I can control, so it has to be an internal shift towards understanding and compassion towards the someone or situation.
This is internal shift towards Mercy, a seemingly “old fashioned” word or biblical term has been lodged in my brain of late. The dictionary definition of “mercy” is Compassion or forgiveness shown towards someone whom it is in one’s power to punish or harm.
Mercy. The Spanish name Mercedes references Mercy. Girls in the U.S. were also once named Mercy. This a reminder that Mercy was not only found in our daily vernacular of old but also it was a name attributed to girls and women.
So when I hang on to a desire to punish myself or others, perhaps I can conjure the word “Mercy”. Mercy with a capitol “M”. Because as I know and have experienced, hanging on to the anger and the desire to harm can create its own discomfort in my body, my mind and in my heart.
The lack of mercy propelled me in my job as a warrior. The urge to punish those that I believed had oppressed another or were being unfair or who did actual harm. As a Child Protection Lawyer, I could understand and have mercy for the parents who harmed their children knowing that they had been harmed by their parents and the harm followed generations. What I held onto was the anger and desire to punish those in power who were oppressing vulnerable populations. This desire to punish was borne from my own sense of powerlessness operating within a skewed and unjust system.
It was my the lack of mercy by the government that is what I could not get past. And I suffered for it. I was a body charged and crackling, emanating anger and resentment and people were afraid of my energy and punished me. Ultimately, I was ejected from the very system that I was convinced I could help and contribute to. It was this urge to punish and hurt in the face of injustice that I had to let go of, it was eating me up, diminishing me and isolating me.
I realized I had not done the internal work necessary to find that place of balance to work towards justice without succumbing to the urge to punish and do harm. I had to find another way which required removing myself from the situation – of course, the system gave me a little nudge – and diving into the inner recesses of my being to uncover what – I did not know.
And as I’ve delved deeply internally, with God’s help, I’ve come face to face with two things: the infinite power that is Love and my own finite limitations. So it is here that I rest in a state of readiness to heed God’s call. It is here that I retire daily to connect with whatever God’s message and direction is for me. This trusting is a daily practice and this daily practice brings me to a sense of peace and rightness with the world that I can share with others. And that is enough. Right now, that is what God is calling me to do. There is peace in the sense of enoughness.
And now that I have let go of the should and mourned the loss of my old ways of being and make sure to take my daily retirement, I can go out into the world and carry peace with me to others, knowing it is enough and praying my favorite peace prayer.
Peace, peace, peace.
May I have peace in my heart,
Peace in my speech and
Peace in my mind.
May all beings know peace, as I wish to know peace.
Author unknown
